The Great Return……

Its been a while since I’ve last posted. Going on a couple of months now. I apologize if this has been an inconvenience to anyone out there in cyberspace. I’m appreciative of my readers, not matter how many or how few there are. Now that I am back I wan’t to let you know that I, the celluloid-humanoid, am back with a major vengeance. Major changes are coming to filmcycle that are going to excite and thrill you, so I’m glad you are here to see the the beginning of some great things.

First things first however. What is happening in the film blog-o-sphere? When we last left off, news was hot and we were privy to a lot of very important film info such as:

The release dates for Piranha 3DD

The release date for the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Film

The rescheduling of the release date for World War Z

Early Review for Casa De Mi Padre (how did that movie turn out again?)

Lastly we got an early review from aintitcool, singing the praises of “Dark Shadows” (again how did this movie fare?)

It is a new day however, and with news and time moving so quickly in the film blog-0-sphere it is best we dive right in and catch up right away, starting with…

-Early Buzz: Disney’s Animated Short Film ‘Paperman’ Plus New High Resolution Concept Art

-‘Moonrise Kingdom’ Animated Companion Short Coming Soon

-‘The Babymakers’ Trailer – Broken Lizard is Back, Sort Of

-Benedict Cumberbatch Joins Steve McQueen’s ‘Twelve Years a Slave’

-Cool Stuff: Limited Edition Marvel Themed Reeboks – Spider-Man, Wolverine, Captain America and More

Well, I’m always glad to hear that Disney is working on new products apart from Pixar since their solo animated features are usually better more vibrant and dynamic films than the stuff they make in collaboration with Lasseter (“Tangled” notwithstanding). So I welcome this news. However I could do without the ridiculous genuflecting that is provided by some of the Pixar employees who have been fortunate to see the film. Geez, even when they don’t work on something they have a way of tainting it with their over-emphasizing worship (“The animation world is unprepared for how phenomenal Disney’s Paperman short is. The second golden age of animation is now”). Look Pixar, leave Disney alone and let them work. Shouldn’t you be finishing work on “Monster University” anyway. Well actually you shouldn’t, nobody should for that matter, but here we are.

Also I’m so glad to know that the Broken Lizard comedy troupe will be back in any capacity. This is something that everyone needs to be made aware of right now. How could you not be excited that the people behind, Puddle Cruiser (1996), Super Troopers (2001), Club Dread (2004), Beerfest (2006), The Slammin’ Salmon (2009), and Freeloaders (2011) are back with a brand new comedy that will be sure to revolutionize the genre. In reality, I’m about as exited for a new broken lizard film as I am for the newest National Lampoon’s film. At least the chick who wrote the blog showed a bit of taste in not being a devotee, but its still sad that anything these group of people produce qualifies as news.

-This Rotten Week: Predicting Prometheus And Madagascar 3 Reviews

-Snow White And The Huntsman Surprises At Friday Box Office

-Brad Pitt’s Plan B Producing Andrew Dominik’s Blonde

-Details Revealed For Marvel’s Cinematic Universe: Phase One Box Set

-Prometheus Already Available For Pre-Order On Amazon

Snow White and the Huntsman made a lot of money this weekend……….and…….thats………news? What about the film, was it good or bad, what about the acting, the motivations, the tone, themes and allegory? Who cares how much money it made? Why do the vast majority of film bloggers think the people who visit their sites give two red cents about film grosses? We are not studio accountants. Lets have a little more film discussion from an artistic bent and less from the monetary please.

I’m also very glad to know that Marvel enterprises has compiled a load of drivel and is packaging it as a phase one box set. Seriously, why is this something to be excited about. You take a bunch of sub-par, made by a committee, set piece heavy, excuses for movies and package them together and sell them as a set and expect us to be excited. I could say I would be more excited for an Ed Wood box set, but, despite Mr. Wood’s deficiencies as a filmmaker, you would at least get an earnest, imaginative, and personal movie instead of these convoluted, over produced, puzzle pieces that comprise the sorry phase one what is the Marvel movie universe. Packaging looks nice though.

Oh by the way, looking forward to buying Alien: The New Cola Edition when it comes to blu-ray.

Alright, for aintitcool, we have to do something a little bit different than the usual summary. We gotta slow down and take each news bit one at a time, to savor the bemused sad ridiculousness offered by each headline.

-Will Forte Pumps The Brakes On MACGRUBER 2

…….Bette Davis had a “Dark Victory” and I guess it is for us as well. Its a wonderful thing that the sequel to this awful comedy isn’t being made, but the fact that it was even a possibility or that some people even wanted it to happen is very sad.


Whoever wins, we lose.

-ANCHORMAN 2 Travels All The Way To Whore Island To Bring Back Veronica Corningstone!!

Halfway optimistic about this, but not in the pants wetting way that most of the world is. Hopefully this will be a “Wayne’s World 2” instead of a Austin Powers in Goldmember type ordeal. Also, for you fans of “Anchorman”, can you please occasionally rotate your quote usage? We know what San Diego in German means, and all about pirate hookers as well. Try something different, or a least something from a different Will Ferrell movie.

-What’re The Wachowskis Looking To Make With Jupiter Ascending??

Hopefully a good movie, what else?

-Joseph Gordon-Levitt Switches Gears For New PREMIUM RUSH Trailer!!

Actual dialouge from pitch meeting: “‘Die Hard’ on a bike”.

-Guess Who’s Coming Back For KICK-ASS 2…

Hopefully more people than last time. Look up geek pandering in the dictionary and you find a dvd copy of “KICK-ASS”. Exploitative mess gets a sequel would be a better headline.

Well that was kind of fun, what we did with the aintitcool headlines. Lets continue along that line with the firstshowing blurbs and the other film blog notices as well.

-One Last Stunning IMAX Midnight Poster for ‘Prometheus’ Revealed

Well that will be one good thing about “Prometheus” since the film itself is getting such lukewarm reviews. Seriously, can we stop Ridley Scott. This all seems like a desperate attempt to reclaim the glory days. We don’t need “Prometheus: and we sure as heck don’t need the ‘Blade Runner’ Sequel, or the inevitable ‘Gladiator’ Sequel, or ‘The Duelist’ Sequel or the Sequel to ‘G.I. Jane’, ‘Black Rain’ or ‘Thelma and Louise’ (don’t put it past them). Ridley just make the kinds of films you want to make and stop trying to recapture past glory by revisiting old works. Even if nobody likes your news films at least you wont be accused of being unoriginal or greedy by way of capitalization.

-Review: John Gulager’s ‘Piranha 3DD’ is All Absurd Trash and No Fun

Also the sky is blue, water is wet, air is breathable, and electricity powers our lightbulbs.

-Watch: Olivia Munn in Broken Lizard’s ‘Babymakers’ Official Trailer


-Producer Kathleen Kennedy Joins Lucasfilm as George Lucas Retires

Geez, talk about inheriting the keys to the gates of hell. Its funny how people are looking at this as a great opportunity instead of the janitorial duty is really is. Lucasfilm has steadily been producing sub-par films (Indiana Jones notwithstanding) since 1983. Maybe Katlhleen can bring in some worthwhile properties in her tenure, but I doubt she will be able to be of any help until she acknowledges the problem’s Lucasfilm has had, and is having concerning the properties they are producing. Or could it be that George has just elected a figure head, a close friend to take up the reigns and continue the steady decline downwards that Lucasfilm has been on artistically since the eighties, relying only on monetary means from the star wars universe to stay powerful. It wouldn’t put that past him.

-Guy Ritchie Attached to Helm WB’s Latest ‘Treasure Island’ Adaptation

Hopefully he can bring the same nuance, and gung ho action adventure spirit to Treasure Island that made Sherlock Holmes such an…..uh…..enjoyable….romp. Oh wait it wasn’t an enjoyable romp it was a dark, unimaginative, derivative, over-stylized action mess, that did a disservice to its wonderful source material, so I in no way am excited about this up coming film. Although I can’t wait tell he starts adapting Jane Austen.

-Jennifer Lawrence in the New ‘House at the End of the Street’ Trailer

Coming soon to your Wal-Mart five dollar bin comes the new, disposable horror film, meant to capitalize on the fame of a new rising star by putting her in a hurried copycat subpar vehicle. We’ve put together a nice trailer to lure you in and get your money which you will regret spending on this trash instead of waiting tell it came on TNT after Inside the NBA. cough “Disturbia” cough

-PSA Sunday: Andy Samberg and More Support the American Jewish World Service.

I’m all for helping out good causes, so I guess this blurb gets a pass. Still I fail to see how Funny or Die is able to maintain any personnel behind the scenes given the nature of their moniker.

-Fan Made Posters: THE DARK KNIGHT RISES Featuring Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Christopher Nolan, Matthew Modine and More

Hype Overload. Odd how a franchise that is so nihilistic, depressing, and dark can inspire such motivated fandom.

-Weekend Box Office – SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN Scores First Place with $56.2 Million

See Above

-Director Sean Anders Talks THREE MISSISSIPPI with Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler and the DUMB AND DUMBER Sequel with Jim Carrey

Meh to the Three Mississippi news, hatred to the Dumb and Dumber Sequel news. Has hollywood lost the ability to learn from its mistakes (Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry met Lloyd). The only interesting news to come out of this will be the announcement that Jim Carrey has purposefully re-chipped his tooth for the roll

-LOST Co-Creator Damon Lindelof Returning to Television Full-Time

Give Lindelof credit. He was able to draw in a lot of people with Lost. He drew them into following a poorly conceived and written show with a hackneyed pandering conclusion. Fool me once…….

So there you have it reader. The ever continuing sad state of modern film blogging/journalism laid out for you in black in white. Heaven help us. Please stay tuned to the site for more updates and news about an upcoming screening sponsored by filmcycle.


About celluloidhumanoid

Celluloid Prophet

Posted on June 4, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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